JOHN TORY
The name says it all. The frontrunner is Tory by name, Tory by nature; the electorate likely to be won over by his opposition to the radical liberalism of the Whig faction. Ontario's farmers, especially, are behind a candidate whose forebears supported protectionist agrarianism under the Corn Laws (1815-1846). Fast-forward to the 21st Century and it becomes clear that Tory himself is not entirely conservative: he hosts a Bon Jovi Barbecue every other month, inviting his neighbours over to sit around in stone-washed denim, sip light beer and discuss the highs and lows of Jon Bon's career. Guests sometimes stay as late as 10pm.
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| "A little more lemonade in my shandy, barkeep!" |
- Wears his political convictions on his sleeve. And as his surname.
- A former protege of Ted Rogers; knows all about locking Torontonians into iron-clad four-year contracts.
- Unrivalled experience having already lost a mayoral election in 2003.
Weaknesses:
- Proposed tax breaks for manufacturers of powdered wigs may prove divisive.
- Lacks a blooper reel of hilarious screw-ups.
- Likely to face fierce opposition from Councillor John Liberal, MPP John Democrat and Police Chief John Pragmatist.
OLIVIA CHOW
Arguably best-known as the widow of popular Opposition Leader Jack Layton, Olivia Chow has extensive experience in federal and municipal government. Transit, children and jobs are the three prongs of her campaign, prompting many to speculate that Toronto will soon employ its first infant bus driver. Chow's hopes were dealt a blow when Lucky Moose Food Market owner David Chen said he would endorse John Tory, even though it was Chow who'd instigated reform after Chen was arrested for attempting to make a citizen’s arrest on a serial shoplifter. So much for gratitude.
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| Little-known fact: Chow is also a successful gangster rapper. |
- Can evade tricky questions in three languages.
- Often the only candidate to turn up to debates, proving to losers everywhere that it's the taking part that counts.
- Trademark garish bicycle may appeal to hipster vote.
Weaknesses:
- Worked in politics since 1991; likely to have only two-fifths of a soul remaining.
- Sole remaining left-wing candidate in a city of centrists.
- Doesn't host semi-monthly Bon Jovi appreciation event.
DOUG FORD
After being diagnosed with cancer, Toronto mayor Rob Ford decided against running for re-election and instead announced that his older brother Doug, already a city councillor, would take his place in the race for the hot seat. Douglas Bruce Ford Jr, as the ballot paper would put it, has a nasty streak a mile wide. I assume. Though little bro Rob's numerous gaffes have often been attributed to sheer dumbassery (thanks in no small part to his resemblance to Chris Farley), Doug emits an aura that suggests he's altogether more scheming, more conniving and more dangerous than his more famous sibling. The Toronto Star recollects his controversies: advocated closing libraries to save money, which led to a "bizarre" feud with author Margaret Atwood; claimed that a group home in his ward for developmentally disabled youth was "ruining" the neigbourhood; called a city hall journalist a "jihadist".
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| Doug Ford (L) and Bobby Heenan (R) |
- Looks a bit like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
- Born white and wealthy, he knows all about the "gravy train" he intends to abolish.
- Already has a catchy media nickname: "DoFo".
Weaknesses:
- Seemingly unwilling to attend mayoral debates.
- Haircut is very 2012.
- Is a Ford.
