Car Buying: Pro Tips

Want to buy a car but don't know where to start? Don't know the difference between torque and horsepower? Worried that a stranger will start talking to you about carburetors? Don't worry: I was the same, but it didn't prevent me from acquiring an automobile from a car dealership. "How did you do it?" I hear nobody ask. Well, I'll tell you. Here are my pro tips for the inexperienced car purchaser.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroooooom! *screeching noises*

Don't Shop Around
Have faith that your first visit to a dealership will also be your last. This has twice been the case for me. That's an enviable 100% record. 

Use The Buddy System
Don't visit a dealership alone. The salesmen will find it that much easier to pinpoint your weaknesses (don't kid yourself -- you have many) and exploit them with ruthless efficiency.

Exaggerate Your Interest
You may have heard it said that you should play it cool and downplay your enthusiasm; make them work for your custom. Well, that's a load of nonsense. As soon as you're approached -- which should be within the first 20-30 seconds of your arrival -- adopt a wide, naive-looking grin and ask to be shown to a desk so you can sign papers without delay. This is guaranteed to throw the salesman off his game.

"Buying a car is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman..."

Play Good Cop/Bad Cop
When your dealer returns from his first I-like-you-so-I'll-see-what-I-can-do-for-you trip to the manager's office, thrust out your hand and attempt to accept terms without asking any questions. At this point, your buddy should sit sullenly and an awkward five-minute silence should ensue.

Get Tactile
Without warning, get up from your seat and wander round the showroom. Touch the cars. Rub them. Sit in the driver's seat and let out a long sigh of satisfaction. Slide underneath a car on your back and stay there for several minutes. Kick tires. Really punt them, like it's the field goal that wins the Super Bowl.

Mind Games
Smile broadly when you return to your chair. Wink at your buddy. Turn your attention to the dealer and offer a high-five. Remove your hand at the last second, exclaiming: "I DO NOT LIKE ANY OF THESE CARS." This kind of advanced psychological warfare may or may not lead to improved terms.

Refreshments
Refuse all offers of tea, coffee and water for the first hour, then suddenly demand all three. In one cup. But not a paper cup. And a sandwich would be nice, too.

Sealing The Deal
As soon as you're ready to sign the paperwork, look at your watch. You will not put pen to paper for at least another two hours. During that time, you can:

1. Go outside to make a protracted call to your "agent" (you can just hold your phone to your ear and move your lips; they'll be none-the-wiser)
2. Run your finger down the list of optional extras, pausing over each one to ask, "Can I have this for free?" and "Why not?"
3. Steer the conversation towards money and how you don't have any

And Don't Forget The Fail-Safe
Remember to misspell your signature so you can change your mind later and claim identity fraud.