Cottage Survival Guide
A first trip
to the sticks beckons this weekend for that most Torontonian of traditions: the
long weekend at the cottage. What it boils down to, as far as I can gather, is leaving
work on Friday afternoon and sitting in gridlock that stretches all the way to the
forests as thousands of townies escape to the country for three days of binge
drinking. For non-cottagers (who seem to be in the minority), a peaceful,
ghost-like weekend awaits, as well as the firework spectaculars of the Canada
Day celebrations most other folk will be too hungover/stuck in traffic/both to
enjoy.
Being the
practical-minded type, I have prepared for our trip by asking the important questions:
A) What do you do if you encounter a bear?2) What do you do if you encounter a zombie?D) How much beer should we take?
Regarding bears, Tony immediately
supplied me with the definitive answer: “You play dead… No, you make noise and
wave your arms... One of those, anyway.”
Regarding beer, the answer is obvious:
as many bottles and cans as you think you’ll need to fend off an angry bear and/or
outlast a zombie siege. Plus some bourbon.
Magic Roundabouts
Stop signs
irk me. In a land where the SUV reigns supreme and adverts for new cars boast about
“31 mpg highway!”, we all have to come to frequent standstills even when the roads
are deserted, wasting petrol, brake pads and time. How I miss roundabouts; those symmetrical paragons of vehicular common
sense.
That said,
there is a roundabout (or “turn circle”) in our neighbourhood, and seeing
drivers grapple with the concept can be quite the sight. My personal favourite
is the Tony special: indicate right because you’re bearing slightly right as
you enter; signal left because you’re turning anticlockwise; signal right again
when you turn off… and an extra signal in each direction for good luck.
Considering Tony generally only drives when I’m sozzled, it’s tremendous fun;
like a low-budget, low-octane fairground ride.
Cue traffic planners seeking the best/worst of both worlds, and their Frankenstein's monster of solutions: the roundabout that is also a four-way stop. Amazing.
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| The intersection with a split-personality |
Textual Relations
For the past
couple of months I’ve owned a smartphone. Total call time: 13 minutes. Total
texts sent: 1. Time spent playing Blade Master: 59 hours.
Imagine my
delight, then, to have two missed calls and a text message on Tuesday afternoon
(I was in a high-level power-meeting, complete with shoulder pads, hairspray
and terms like “touching base”, “moving forward” and “pre-preparing
irregardless of EOD”). It was from my good friend Bryan, who I’ve never met.
Yo nico it’s Bryan don’t tell Julie what we talked about yesterday she on my ass so keep it on the dl
Needless to
say, if Julie is on Bryan’s ass, he can rely on me, nico, to keep it well and
truly on the DL. That’s what I hate about Julie: she’s always bending Bryan’s
ear, and I, as his best friend, nico, have to keep it totally locked down for
my dawg. Whatever me and Bry talk about, that’s bro business, bro. Julie needs
to step off and, furthermore, check herself before she Ben Afflecks herself. I
did what I could: I replied to my homie to reassure him… sort of.
Bryan, that shit is hard to keep a lid on… but I’ll do my best
