As such, I've only seen one genuinely abysmal movie at the cinema: Britney Spears' Crossroads (in my defence, I worked at the pizza restaurant next door - yes, it was a restaurant - and got in for free). In the intervening years, I have never been tempted to leave a screening before the end... Until now.
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| ***SPOILER ALERT*** This movie is an utter waste of your life |
Cue Cosmopolis: a David Cronenberg drama/thriller in which Robert Pattinson plays a super-wealthy executive whose life unravels in the course of a limo ride across New York. The premise seems a good one, and entertains well into the first few seconds of the first scene, at which point you glance at your watch, roll your eyes, and wonder if you wouldn't have been better off just throwing your $13 in the bin.
The problems begin to mount: the dialogue is preposterous, eventually cueing unintended laughs among the handful of assembled viewers; the plot is farcical, with bizarre scenes (pop star K'naan carried past the car window in a coffin) barely explained or even alluded to again; supporting characters appear once and only once, as if including them again would simply take too much effort; the acting in general comes across as a piss-take, with Pattinson his usual wooden self and Paul Giamatti delivering the coup de grace scene with such bombastic melodrama as to almost defy belief ("SMELL ME! I STINK!").
I wondered, in fact, if this wasn't Cronenberg pulling a prank on his followers with an absurdist tribute to The Room; the "Citizen Kane of bad movies", and a cult classic among its fans. Sadly, though, I came to the conclusion that Cronenberg is deadly serious - as did moviegoers who made their way to the exits as Cosmopolis began to crumble under the weight of its own pretentious inanity.
Highlights:
- Pattinson, for no reason whatsoever, shoots his bodyguard dead. The watching public quietly hope for a similar release, but there are at least another 30 minutes to go
- Repeated references to Pattinson's "asymmetrical prostate", as if it's some kind of profound insight into the human condition
- Giamatti's aforementioned, movie-closing rant and Pattinson's ridiculous interjections. Giamatti holds a gun to Pattinson's head throughout, but we have to sit through seven or eight minutes of the barely logical back-and-forth before the closing credits eventually roll. Did he shoot him? Nobody gives a shit
- Some guy behind me loudly remarked, "It had some good points" as the rest of us grabbed our coats and left. Don't put too much credence in his opinion: he's the same lad who struggled with his fly for a good five minutes in the gents beforehand
In conclusion: Cosmopolis is 90 minutes of your life you're never, ever going to get back. I can't put it in plainer terms than that.
