News in Brief

Cottage Survival Guide

A first trip to the sticks beckons this weekend for that most Torontonian of traditions: the long weekend at the cottage. What it boils down to, as far as I can gather, is leaving work on Friday afternoon and sitting in gridlock that stretches all the way to the forests as thousands of townies escape to the country for three days of binge drinking. For non-cottagers (who seem to be in the minority), a peaceful, ghost-like weekend awaits, as well as the firework spectaculars of the Canada Day celebrations most other folk will be too hungover/stuck in traffic/both to enjoy.

Being the practical-minded type, I have prepared for our trip by asking the important questions:

A) What do you do if you encounter a bear?

2) What do you do if you encounter a zombie?

D) How much beer should we take?

Regarding bears, Tony immediately supplied me with the definitive answer: “You play dead… No, you make noise and wave your arms... One of those, anyway.”

Regarding zombies, I already have a fair idea of the recommended course of action: befriend a fundamentalist veterinarian called Herschel, clart around on his ranch until the danger subsides, but don’t go near the barn. And if you do happen to be bitten by the undead, opt for shooting yourself rather than hanging…

Regarding beer, the answer is obvious: as many bottles and cans as you think you’ll need to fend off an angry bear and/or outlast a zombie siege. Plus some bourbon.

Magic Roundabouts

Stop signs irk me. In a land where the SUV reigns supreme and adverts for new cars boast about “31 mpg highway!”, we all have to come to frequent standstills even when the roads are deserted, wasting petrol, brake pads and time. How I miss roundabouts; those symmetrical paragons of vehicular common sense.

That said, there is a roundabout (or “turn circle”) in our neighbourhood, and seeing drivers grapple with the concept can be quite the sight. My personal favourite is the Tony special: indicate right because you’re bearing slightly right as you enter; signal left because you’re turning anticlockwise; signal right again when you turn off… and an extra signal in each direction for good luck. Considering Tony generally only drives when I’m sozzled, it’s tremendous fun; like a low-budget, low-octane fairground ride.

Cue traffic planners seeking the best/worst of both worlds, and their Frankenstein's monster of solutions: the roundabout that is also a four-way stop. Amazing.

The intersection with a split-personality

Textual Relations

For the past couple of months I’ve owned a smartphone. Total call time: 13 minutes. Total texts sent: 1. Time spent playing Blade Master: 59 hours.

Imagine my delight, then, to have two missed calls and a text message on Tuesday afternoon (I was in a high-level power-meeting, complete with shoulder pads, hairspray and terms like “touching base”, “moving forward” and “pre-preparing irregardless of EOD”). It was from my good friend Bryan, who I’ve never met.

Yo nico it’s Bryan don’t tell Julie what we talked about yesterday she on my ass so keep it on the dl

Needless to say, if Julie is on Bryan’s ass, he can rely on me, nico, to keep it well and truly on the DL. That’s what I hate about Julie: she’s always bending Bryan’s ear, and I, as his best friend, nico, have to keep it totally locked down for my dawg. Whatever me and Bry talk about, that’s bro business, bro. Julie needs to step off and, furthermore, check herself before she Ben Afflecks herself. I did what I could: I replied to my homie to reassure him… sort of.

Bryan, that shit is hard to keep a lid on… but I’ll do my best

The Worst Intersection in North America

When I began my current job in Toronto, I wrote about the nightmare commute I was about to adopt. As it turns out, the bus was simply too much to endure; involving, as it did, being dropped off in the morning, a LONG highway drive and then TWO subway rides. The other public transport option was no more appealing: 40 minutes on the GO Train, 30 minutes on the subway and I'd still be a subway ride from my office's closest stop.

To cut a dull story short, I have been driving to and from work for the last couple of months. Well, I say driving, but it's more carpooling: two others at home work on Sheppard Avenue, so I drop them off in the morning and pick them up at night. Job's a good 'un (traffic, bad drivers and abusive rednecks notwithstanding).

Imagine my surprise, then, to discover I was navigating the worst intersection in North America not once, not twice, not thrice, but four (4) times a day. The Toronto Star takes up the scene:

Bayview and Sheppard is crazy, say the weary navigators of the most congested intersection in Toronto.

It’s ridiculous, surreal and out-of-control.

In peak hours it can take four red lights to get through it to the 401 tantalizingly visible from her nearby condo building, says Brenda Mazlow.

The eight-year veteran of the intersection has given up making the “impossible” left turn from Sheppard Ave to Bayview and the 401 on-ramp.

And the neverending condo buildings popping up in the area are making it worse, she says.

The condominium boom is being blamed for the fact that five of the city’s 10 most congested intersections are on Sheppard Ave.

Councillor David Shiner, whose Willowdale ward has two of the busiest at Sheppard and Bayview and Sheppard and Leslie, says it’s only going to worsen as more developments get approved.

“You haven’t seen nothing yet,” Shiner said, during discussion Thursday about the clogged intersections at council’s public works and infrastructure committee.

Shiner noted that just this week, the North York community council gave its blessing to 4,000 new condo units, the latest phase in a massive 20-hectare development on Sheppard between Bayview Ave. and Leslie St.

What the article doesn't mention is that Toronto is Canada's worst city for congestion, and at the bottom of a 21-strong list of North America's longest commute times. All of which makes the intersection of Sheppard and Bayview - by my estimation, anyway - the worst in North America (which, effectively, is the entire world).

Picture the scene. People are mardy, and want nothing more than to get to/from work. They'll do pretty much anything: cruise 400 metres down the otherwise-deserted centre turning lane, the more conniving ones keeping an indicator flashing though they have no intention of turning. Closer to the intersection itself, the opposite is true: folk creep up the centre lanes in order to lurk past the backed-up turning lane, and then, once past the lights and into no-man's land, lurch around the corner like a sozzled cowboy - much to the honking annoyance of law-abiding good eggs (i.e. me).

In the words of Janine from Ghostbusters: "Picking up or dropping off?"

In all honesty, though, Toronto's worst intersection is nothing: without a hint of exaggeration, there are worse junctions in Wallsend, and I can only begin to imagine the utter horror that would result were you to transport South Gosforth's double roundabout to any given North American metropolis. They'd basically lose their shit, to use the vernacular.

Speaking of which, my favourite driving experience was nothing to do with intersections (though there was a good story about the man of the house accidentally blocking a junction downtown, at which point he - and a few dozen fellow drivers - completely lost their shit). Rather, my memorable event was in gridlock on the 401 highway. As is my habit in gridlock, I was rolling forwards to a stop rather than trying to stay within two feet of the bumper in front at all times. Having also allowed a couple of cars to join the highway from an on-ramp, the nice man and his wife/sister in the truck behind started beeping. I had no idea their ire was directed at me (I thought he was angry at the pushers-in, if anything) until he passed me when traffic sped up again, leaning out of the window and unleashing a torrent of barely comprehensible abuse.

Now, listen: I had the radio on, but I'm fairly sure he dropped an f-bomb or two before calling my driving abilities into question. Tony and I looked at each other, bemused. "Was that for me?" I wondered. I did what any real man would do: gave him a forceful toot of the horn, withdrawing a potential v-sign when I realized I actually didn't want to lose my life in a Tuesday morning road rage incident. Unfortunately, the retort I instructed our car to emit was so pathetically high-pitched that it made my Aygo's toot sound like a tanker's foghorn. Still, it remains the only time I've been able to use the horn without subsequently being admonished by my front-seat passenger.

"David, no, sto... You didn't have to beep that guy."
"But how else will he learn...?"

A telling silence results... and it tells me I'm right.

Cosmopolis: A Review

I have seen some rank movies in my time. As a subtitler, I worked on my fair share of made-for-TV specials; usually Steven Seagal vehicles written, directed and produced by... Steven Seagal. But I'm generally more selective about the titles I'll pay to see at the cinema. Nobody wants to spend $13 to be bored half to death.

As such, I've only seen one genuinely abysmal movie at the cinema: Britney Spears' Crossroads (in my defence, I worked at the pizza restaurant next door - yes, it was a restaurant - and got in for free). In the intervening years, I have never been tempted to leave a screening before the end... Until now.

***SPOILER ALERT*** This movie is an utter waste of your life

Cue Cosmopolis: a David Cronenberg drama/thriller in which Robert Pattinson plays a super-wealthy executive whose life unravels in the course of a limo ride across New York. The premise seems a good one, and entertains well into the first few seconds of the first scene, at which point you glance at your watch, roll your eyes, and wonder if you wouldn't have been better off just throwing your $13 in the bin.

The problems begin to mount: the dialogue is preposterous, eventually cueing unintended laughs among the handful of assembled viewers; the plot is farcical, with bizarre scenes (pop star K'naan carried past the car window in a coffin) barely explained or even alluded to again; supporting characters appear once and only once, as if including them again would simply take too much effort; the acting in general comes across as a piss-take, with Pattinson his usual wooden self and Paul Giamatti delivering the coup de grace scene with such bombastic melodrama as to almost defy belief ("SMELL ME! I STINK!").

I wondered, in fact, if this wasn't Cronenberg pulling a prank on his followers with an absurdist tribute to The Room; the "Citizen Kane of bad movies", and a cult classic among its fans. Sadly, though, I came to the conclusion that Cronenberg is deadly serious - as did moviegoers who made their way to the exits as Cosmopolis began to crumble under the weight of its own pretentious inanity.

Highlights:

• Pattinson, for no reason whatsoever, shoots his bodyguard dead. The watching public quietly hope for a similar release, but there are at least another 30 minutes to go
• Repeated references to Pattinson's "asymmetrical prostate", as if it's some kind of profound insight into the human condition
• Giamatti's aforementioned, movie-closing rant and Pattinson's ridiculous interjections. Giamatti holds a gun to Pattinson's head throughout, but we have to sit through seven or eight minutes of the barely logical back-and-forth before the closing credits eventually roll. Did he shoot him? Nobody gives a shit
• Some guy behind me loudly remarked, "It had some good points" as the rest of us grabbed our coats and left. Don't put too much credence in his opinion: he's the same lad who struggled with his fly for a good five minutes in the gents beforehand

In conclusion: Cosmopolis is 90 minutes of your life you're never, ever going to get back. I can't put it in plainer terms than that.