How to Make a Website

The internet... Is that thing still around? Yes, it is, and it's better than ever. You can now compare toilet seat reviews on your phone; stream the latest episode of My Two Dads on your watch; use your internet-enabled cagoule to upload a panorama of your selfie stick; ask your fridge to pull up the Wikipedia page on pasteurized milk. The possibilities are literally boundless. Literally.

As it grows, the internet nurtures us, but it also needs to be nurtured. This codependency sees us furnished with the funniest cat videos known to man, and in return we must offer our digital overlord a sacrifice in the form of words and images. It boils down to this: the internet is sustained by websites. It suckles on their binary teats like a mewling babe in arms, consuming the mother's milk that is good spelling and correct punctuation. That's why sites like Twitter and Facebook are bastions of immaculate grammar.

Did you know?

The internet needs to eat 5,464 websites every day to survive.

I've done my part — this blog has been up and running since 2011 — but I realized recently that I would have to do more, especially considering that I work in the digital sector. That's why I built myself a website from scratch (using a pre-rendered template), using nothing but my bare hands and sharp wits (read: Google). It was a baptism of fire; a process in which I had to leave my digital adolescence behind and become an internet adult (not a euphemism); a confirmation of my quasi-competence. All I need now is a professional-looking photo of myself; something that doesn't seem to exist at the moment. Anyway, here's how I did it.

Top 40 on the radio? Tab Clear on hand? Let's get coding!

1. Get a domain
The first step is always the hardest, apart from when it's actually the easiest... but this wasn't easy... it was a pleasure... if you like really difficult things... that turn out to be simple... but are still very tricky. Anyway, davidwelsh.com was taken, so I went for davidwelsh.ca. End of story.

2. Get hosting
As everybody knows, the internet is a series of tubes (copyright Ted Stevens, 2006) that sometimes become physically clogged. Think of hosting as a hard shoulder on a major road: this is where websites lie in wait like so many predatory truckers, starting up their engines and rolling into action whenever they're called up by a web browser. Good hosting is reliable, secure and well lit. Great hosting has a 50s-style diner nearby. I went for the cheapest — the digital equivalent of a dark alley next to an insane asylum — and I'm absolutely delighted with the results so far.

This... is... INTERNET.

3. The science part
I could have coded a website from scratch, no sweat, but I didn't because it would have looked like a Geocities page circa 1998. Instead, I installed WordPress and chose a suitably sexy template (Zerif Lite, since you ask). Rest assured that the HTML is artisanal, the CSS is organic and the images are sustainably sourced from local pixel farms. I also double-cooked the icons and applied several coats of extra virgin code, which means they'll require less maintenance over the course of the website's lifespan.

Did you know?

Internet traffic drives on the left in most Commonwealth countries.

4. Promote, promote, promote!
Freelance writing is a dog-eat-dog world, but with the right web property a freelancer can expect writing commissions to leap into their net like so many suicidal fish. All you need to do is open up Netscape and paste the address where people can see it. Yahoo!, AltaVista and MySpace are good places to start. Sign up for an email ("electronic mail") address and continually refresh your inbox (again, not a euphemism, but good advice nonetheless) until the dream job presents itself.

And that's all there is to it. If you have any questions and think I could help, feel free to type them out in a .txt file, save to a floppy disk and post to me. I will fax my response (and several frames of the most appropriate reaction gif) within 20 working days. Stay tuned for more advanced topics in this series of internet tutorials, including 'When Will Bitmaps Be Cool Again?' and 'How Do I Add Midi Music To My Friendster Page?'

PICTURE SPECIAL: Boston

Time to tick another major U.S. destination off my bucket list! We just got back from Boston, that world-renowned bastion of culture, heritage and seafood. So I've now been to New York and... Boston. Okay, it's not an exhaustive list, but it's a start. Highlights of our trip included:

• Witch trail walking tour in Salem
• Foods of the Freedom Trail tasting tour (lobster bisque, Boston cream pie, Boston baked beans)
• The best pizza ever at Picco
• Whale watching on choppy Atlantic waters, where most passengers went from cheerful selfies to unrestrained vomiting over the course of 60 traumatic minutes

U-S-A! U-S-A!

The arch beneath the Boston Harbor Hotel, where each room costs $1 trillion per night.

Bridge thing, sunbathers and a tunnel. Total cost: $14.8 billion

Old State House, site of the Boston Massacre

Faneuil Hall: Historic meeting place and tourist trap.

America's oldest continuously-operating pub. Felt like a Wetherspoons inside.

Paul Revere waiting for a high-five.

Old North Church, famous for "one if by land, two if by sea".

Nobody knew my name :(

The view from Frasier's seat.

 

Before the gore.

Photobombed by an upside-down harbour seal.

Meeting of minds.

"Restricted view"

An Ode My Thumb and its Missing Tip

You and I. Thumb chums.
Made for one another in a very literal sense.
Skirting precariously, yet dextrously,
o'er the control pads of our youth:
Master System, SNES, N64, Dreamcast, GameCube.

What else does your left thumb tip do?
It's difficult to articulate
yet the sense of loss is overwhelming.
You don't know what you've got
til it's in the compost bin.

"Slice these butternut squash cubes into smaller cubes!"
Headache-stricken, bleary-eyed, but I obliged. Or tried.
Chop. Chop. Chop. CHOP.
The last two millimetres, gone forever.

A rapidly whitening tip, shorn, smote, stunned into silence.
One moment: part of a hungover whole.
The next: on a chopping board, alone among squash cubes.
And after that: discarded without ceremony,
dispatched to the green bin in the sky (under the sink)

Losing the end of your thumb, the very end,
is a deep, teeth-gnashingly physical metaphor
for something or other.
But it's hard to say exactly what
when you're less than 100%.

May 7, 1983 - March 1, 2015

Toronto FC's All-Time XI

Football commentator Martin Tyler trots out some tired old clichés for EA Sports' FIFA games, a particular favourite of mine being his inexplicable line about Chelsea "always setting you up only to disappoint you again". If he were asked to spout something about the much-maligned Toronto FC, he'd probably let out a long, world-weary sigh; perhaps even mutter an expletive under his breath. "Perfect," the producer would say, "You've really encapsulated the club!"

TFC sprang into life in 2007, becoming the first Canadian team in Major League Soccer. In a sports-mad, trophy-deprived city packed with immigrants for whom football/soccer is the be-all and end-all, it seemed that sell-out games and on-field success would follow in short order. In eight intervening years, this has not proven to be the case. Under the stewardship of Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment (MLSE), the "Reds" have lurched from losing season to losing season, missing the playoffs every year despite a roll call of high-profile signings. It's familiar territory for MLSE, whose other subsidiaries include NBA's Toronto Raptors (last championship: never) and the world's most valuable hockey team, the Maple Leafs (last championship: 1967).

Yet it would be churlish to suggest that TFC's core support has had nothing to cheer. Granted, highs have been in short supply, but there have been plenty of mediums to savour – and the club is certainly a dab hand at flashy, hype-laden press conferences. So as Sebastian Giovinco makes his way to the Great White North as arguably one of the league's best-ever signings, it's time to take a look at the has-beens and ne'er-do-wells who have made Toronto FC one of the game's most intriguing spectacles.

Toronto FC's All-Time XI (Classic 1-1-8 Formation)

JULIO CESAR, Goalkeeper
Appearances: 7
Goals: 0
Dropped Crosses: 145
Signed on loan from QPR prior to the 2014 FIFA World Cup, Julio was keen to face literally hundreds of shots every game in order to hone his reflexes for the Brazilian national side. I've said it once and I'll say it again: if you're going to have a Brazilian in your team, don't make it the goalie.

STEVEN CALDWELL, Defender
Appearances: 44
Goals: 1
Clangers-per-game: 6
Learned his craft at Newcastle United between 1997 and 2004, and although Steven has now established himself as TFC's captain, he still shows signs of his prolonged exposure to Titus Bramble.

MICHAEL BRADLEY, Midfielder
Appearances: 25
Goals: 2
Too Good for MLS?: Yes
Signing for Toronto at the same time as Jermaine Defoe, Bradley's arrival was not as heralded as it ought to have been. He's by far and away the best player at the club. Their Shearer; their Le Tissier; their Phil Stamp.

DWAYNE DE ROSARIO, Midfielder
Appearances: 76
Goals: 28
Beard Game: On point
"DeRo" is actually from Toronto -- Scarborough, to be precise -- and is TFC's all-time leading goalscorer with 28 goals, each and every one a scissor kick from the halfway line. Very impressive, yet Dwayne's eyes are also dulled by the cataracts of unfulfilled potential: he reportedly rejected an offer to sign for AC Milan when he was just 14 years old.

SEBASTIAN GIOVINCO, Midfielder
Appearances: 0
Goals: 0
Height: 3'11"
The signing of the "Atomic Ant" is a surprise: the 27-year-old is a full Italian international with many good years left in his tiny, tiny legs (radiation sickness notwithstanding). Unlike other hyped TFC recruits, he'll definitely be a huge success at BMO Field...

LUKE MOORE, Forward
Appearances: 27
Goals: 6
Favourite Member of One Direction: Zayn
Scored a hat-trick for Aston Villa against Toronto FC in a 2007 friendly, so the club probably has a strong case against the Villans for misleading sales tactics.

JOZY ALTIDORE, Forward
Appearances: 0
Goals: 0
First Touch: More like his first ever touch
Unstoppable Jozy scored one goal in 42 appearances for Sunderland, making him one of their most prolific players in the Premier League era. His experience with the Black Cats means he'll be used to playing in red and white -- but unfamiliar with the sights and sounds of a full stadium.

ROB EARNSHAW, Forward
Appearances: 26
Goals: 8
Career Clubs: Unknown
Rob may look like an antagonist from a Tolkein story, but he Bagginsed himself quiet a few goals during his one-season stay at TFC. Many supporters remain fond of old Smeagoal.

DANNY DICHIO, Forward
Appearances: 59
Goals: 14
Languages Spoken: English?
Mr Dichio scored Toronto FC's first ever goal and nobody can do anything about that now. Currently a pundit for Sportsnet, Danny spends his weekends battling the English Language on live TV. He generally comes off second-best.

JERMAINE DEFOE, Forward
Appearances: 19
Goals: 11
Games Missed Through Injury: 17
Cash-loving mercenary Jermaine Defoe has a half-decent scoring record despite having dollar signs for eyes, which many consider to be a legitimate disability. He spent his last few TFC appearances smashing gilt-edged chances over the bar and generally torpedoing the club's faint playoff hopes: the kind of form that will earn you a big-money move to Sunderland sooner or later.

"...What if a hat wore you?"

LAURENT ROBERT, Free Role
Appearances: 17
Goals: 1
Fucks Given: 0
If you thought Robert was mercurial-yet-lazy at Newcastle United, you didn't see him at BMO Field, where his laissez faire approach made Dimitar Berbatov look like a box-to-box dynamo. Laurent was decidely uncomfortable with high-level concepts like "defending" and "tracking back", preferring to stroll leisurely towards the halfway line and admire the curved lines of Toronto's lakeside skyline.

The Movies That Ruined Our Future

The inevitable has happened: the year 2015 has rolled around, and 30-somethings everywhere are struggling to mask their disappointment. Not because of our expanding waistlines or the miserable grey skies of January, but because we were promised so much more than we've yet received. Where are our hoverboards? Who do we talk to about becoming miners on Mars? When will we be able to spend a weekend at a hazardous theme park featuring real dinosaurs? It's only fair to blame the Hollywood blockbusters of our adolescence for nurturing our hopelessly unrealistic expectations. Especially these five.

Back to the Future Part II: Actually set in 2015, making it the prime suspect for our broken hearts. It postulated Google Glass-style augmented reality goggles, though it erred by depicting poor loser Marty McFly Jr. with a pair: only rich losers can afford Google Glass. Drones and video calls make an appearance, but the movie's ubiquitous hoverboards and flying cars remain a pipe dream after 26 years and counting. Thanks for nothing, Spielberg.

Starship Troopers: Correctly predicted that Casper Van Dien would squander a promising career. Sadly, the human race is yet to know the excitement of a devastating intergalactic war against hyper-intelligent extra-terrestrials.

The Running Man: Set between 2017 and 2019, time is running out to replace the likes of X-Factor and Big Brother with an altogether more entertaining alternative where notorious criminals are hunted down by colourful celebrities. Dog The Bounty Hunter is a good start, but his plastic handcuffs hardly compare to flamethrowers, fireworks and sharpened hockey sticks.

The Net: Anticipated the invasive nature of the internet -- and, crucially, the ability to order pizza online -- but also intimated that we would be able to hack into government mainframes by simply mashing keyboards with our sweaty palms. I've tried this and it hardly ever works.

Demolition Man: This 1993 movie predicted cryogenic sleep technology by 1996, so we can all enjoy a hearty laugh at that particular foible... as we retire to our beds to get eight hours older. On the other hand, Demolition Man's depiction of Wesley Snipes as a hardened criminal -- and allusion to Arnold Schwarzenegger as a successful politician -- is eerily portentous.

Sci-Fi Novel Idea: The First 400 Words

Brone Brezal's cyberclock hovered above his bed, holojecting the morning news onto his smartwalls. The lead story: pulse bombs on the New Miami Cloud Train. Muffled explosions and the reporter's shrill Spanglish roused the dozing grav-crane operator from his slumber.

He yawned and stretched out a genehanced arm, feeling for his companion. Then he remembered: Kimby Brobarn would be at work by now, relaying psychic messages from the Dade PsycheDome to MutantCom operatives all over the Reunited States. Her head was basically massive – like an overripe pear balanced on a cocktail stick – but Brone found her enchanting, and often escaped his long and mysterious past by gazing into her third eye and listening to tall tales of her wild adolescence on nearby Mars.

"Okay, Google," he began, "How long will it take me to get to work?"

A disembodied voice replied: "In current sky traffic conditions, your commute will take 25 minutes."

"We truly are living in the future," Brone chuckled to himself, shaking his head at the sheer ingenuity of the human race. He brewed a mug of instacaffeine in about two seconds flat before approaching his closet, the smartdoor sensing his proximity and shimmering into transparency. A sports jersey would suffice for casual Friday, so he reached for his Saray "Laser" Q'auktorian shirt. The smartdoor played back highlights of the superstar semi-forward's Hyper League-winning performances for the Tokyo Quantum Torrents. The video was pure mint quality, at least 1080p.

Before he could get the garment over his head, the apartment's digital ceiling suddenly shattered into a trillion bytes. Brone knew at once that a bit-grenade had been detonated; knowledge probably gleaned from his aforementioned long and mysterious past. He found himself prone on the floor, pinned down by a powerful assailant in a holosuit.

Brone somehow broke free and knocked the intruder out cold. The details aren't important; the point is that he was now able to wrest the helmet from his attacker and reveal his identity.

"Sweet Mercury!" he cried, recognizing a face from political history. What the hell was Dick Cheney doing in New Miami in the 26th Century? And why was he trying to kill a lowly grav-crane operator with a long and mysterious past? Brone had a feeling his bad day was only just starting. Which it was. It was 8am.

Available soon as an e-book

Toronto Election: A City Decides

The 2014 Toronto Mayoral Election will take place in just a few weeks. It's not an event that would normally garner attention on a global scale, but incumbent Rob Ford is now a household name (or a recent mainstay of talk show monologues, at least) so the October 27 vote may be the most publicized, scrutinized election in the city's history. I'm ineligible to vote, so you can count on my impartiality as I evaluate about the strengths and weaknesses of the top three candidates.

JOHN TORY
The name says it all. The frontrunner is Tory by name, Tory by nature; the electorate likely to be won over by his opposition to the radical liberalism of the Whig faction. Ontario's farmers, especially, are behind a candidate whose forebears supported protectionist agrarianism under the Corn Laws (1815-1846). Fast-forward to the 21st Century and it becomes clear that Tory himself is not entirely conservative: he hosts a Bon Jovi Barbecue every other month, inviting his neighbours over to sit around in stone-washed denim, sip light beer and discuss the highs and lows of Jon Bon's career. Guests sometimes stay as late as 10pm.

"A little more lemonade in my shandy, barkeep!"

Strengths:
- Wears his political convictions on his sleeve. And as his surname.
- A former protege of Ted Rogers; knows all about locking Torontonians into iron-clad four-year contracts.
- Unrivalled experience having already lost a mayoral election in 2003.

Weaknesses:
- Proposed tax breaks for manufacturers of powdered wigs may prove divisive.
- Lacks a blooper reel of hilarious screw-ups. 
- Likely to face fierce opposition from Councillor John Liberal, MPP John Democrat and Police Chief John Pragmatist.

OLIVIA CHOW
Arguably best-known as the widow of popular Opposition Leader Jack Layton, Olivia Chow has extensive experience in federal and municipal government. Transit, children and jobs are the three prongs of her campaign, prompting many to speculate that Toronto will soon employ its first infant bus driver. Chow's hopes were dealt a blow when Lucky Moose Food Market owner David Chen said he would endorse John Tory, even though it was Chow who'd instigated reform after Chen was arrested for attempting to make a citizen’s arrest on a serial shoplifter. So much for gratitude.

Little-known fact: Chow is also a successful gangster rapper.

Strengths:
- Can evade tricky questions in three languages.
- Often the only candidate to turn up to debates, proving to losers everywhere that it's the taking part that counts.
- Trademark garish bicycle may appeal to hipster vote.

Weaknesses:
- Worked in politics since 1991; likely to have only two-fifths of a soul remaining.
- Sole remaining left-wing candidate in a city of centrists.
- Doesn't host semi-monthly Bon Jovi appreciation event.

DOUG FORD
After being diagnosed with cancer, Toronto mayor Rob Ford decided against running for re-election and instead announced that his older brother Doug, already a city councillor, would take his place in the race for the hot seat. Douglas Bruce Ford Jr, as the ballot paper would put it, has a nasty streak a mile wide. I assume. Though little bro Rob's numerous gaffes have often been attributed to sheer dumbassery (thanks in no small part to his resemblance to Chris Farley), Doug emits an aura that suggests he's altogether more scheming, more conniving and more dangerous than his more famous sibling. The Toronto Star recollects his controversies: advocated closing libraries to save money, which led to a "bizarre" feud with author Margaret Atwood; claimed that a group home in his ward for developmentally disabled youth was "ruining" the neigbourhood; called a city hall journalist a "jihadist".

Doug Ford (L) and Bobby Heenan (R)

 Strengths:
- Looks a bit like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
- Born white and wealthy, he knows all about the "gravy train" he intends to abolish.
- Already has a catchy media nickname: "DoFo".

Weaknesses:
- Seemingly unwilling to attend mayoral debates.
- Haircut is very 2012.
- Is a Ford.