Friday 9 January 2015

The Movies That Ruined Our Future

The inevitable has happened: the year 2015 has rolled around, and 30-somethings everywhere are struggling to mask their disappointment. Not because of our expanding waistlines or the miserable grey skies of January, but because we were promised so much more than we've yet received. Where are our hoverboards? Who do we talk to about becoming miners on Mars? When will we be able to spend a weekend at a hazardous theme park featuring real dinosaurs? It's only fair to blame the Hollywood blockbusters of our adolescence for nurturing our hopelessly unrealistic expectations. Especially these five.



Back to the Future Part II: Actually set in 2015, making it the prime suspect for our broken hearts. It postulated Google Glass-style augmented reality goggles, though it erred by depicting poor loser Marty McFly Jr. with a pair: only rich losers can afford Google Glass. Drones and video calls make an appearance, but the movie's ubiquitous hoverboards and flying cars remain a pipe dream after 26 years and counting. Thanks for nothing, Spielberg.



Starship Troopers: Correctly predicted that Casper Van Dien would squander a promising career. Sadly, the human race is yet to know the excitement of a devastating intergalactic war against hyper-intelligent extra-terrestrials.



The Running Man: Set between 2017 and 2019, time is running out to replace the likes of X-Factor and Big Brother with an altogether more entertaining alternative where notorious criminals are hunted down by colourful celebrities. Dog The Bounty Hunter is a good start, but his plastic handcuffs hardly compare to flamethrowers, fireworks and sharpened hockey sticks.



The Net: Anticipated the invasive nature of the internet -- and, crucially, the ability to order pizza online -- but also intimated that we would be able to hack into government mainframes by simply mashing keyboards with our sweaty palms. I've tried this and it hardly ever works.



Demolition Man: This 1993 movie predicted cryogenic sleep technology by 1996, so we can all enjoy a hearty laugh at that particular foible... as we retire to our beds to get eight hours older. On the other hand, Demolition Man's depiction of Wesley Snipes as a hardened criminal -- and allusion to Arnold Schwarzenegger as a successful politician -- is eerily portentous.