Toronto FC's All-Time XI

Football commentator Martin Tyler trots out some tired old clichés for EA Sports' FIFA games, a particular favourite of mine being his inexplicable line about Chelsea "always setting you up only to disappoint you again". If he were asked to spout something about the much-maligned Toronto FC, he'd probably let out a long, world-weary sigh; perhaps even mutter an expletive under his breath. "Perfect," the producer would say, "You've really encapsulated the club!"

TFC sprang into life in 2007, becoming the first Canadian team in Major League Soccer. In a sports-mad, trophy-deprived city packed with immigrants for whom football/soccer is the be-all and end-all, it seemed that sell-out games and on-field success would follow in short order. In eight intervening years, this has not proven to be the case. Under the stewardship of Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment (MLSE), the "Reds" have lurched from losing season to losing season, missing the playoffs every year despite a roll call of high-profile signings. It's familiar territory for MLSE, whose other subsidiaries include NBA's Toronto Raptors (last championship: never) and the world's most valuable hockey team, the Maple Leafs (last championship: 1967).

Yet it would be churlish to suggest that TFC's core support has had nothing to cheer. Granted, highs have been in short supply, but there have been plenty of mediums to savour – and the club is certainly a dab hand at flashy, hype-laden press conferences. So as Sebastian Giovinco makes his way to the Great White North as arguably one of the league's best-ever signings, it's time to take a look at the has-beens and ne'er-do-wells who have made Toronto FC one of the game's most intriguing spectacles.

Toronto FC's All-Time XI (Classic 1-1-8 Formation)

JULIO CESAR, Goalkeeper
Appearances: 7
Goals: 0
Dropped Crosses: 145
Signed on loan from QPR prior to the 2014 FIFA World Cup, Julio was keen to face literally hundreds of shots every game in order to hone his reflexes for the Brazilian national side. I've said it once and I'll say it again: if you're going to have a Brazilian in your team, don't make it the goalie.

STEVEN CALDWELL, Defender
Appearances: 44
Goals: 1
Clangers-per-game: 6
Learned his craft at Newcastle United between 1997 and 2004, and although Steven has now established himself as TFC's captain, he still shows signs of his prolonged exposure to Titus Bramble.

MICHAEL BRADLEY, Midfielder
Appearances: 25
Goals: 2
Too Good for MLS?: Yes
Signing for Toronto at the same time as Jermaine Defoe, Bradley's arrival was not as heralded as it ought to have been. He's by far and away the best player at the club. Their Shearer; their Le Tissier; their Phil Stamp.

DWAYNE DE ROSARIO, Midfielder
Appearances: 76
Goals: 28
Beard Game: On point
"DeRo" is actually from Toronto -- Scarborough, to be precise -- and is TFC's all-time leading goalscorer with 28 goals, each and every one a scissor kick from the halfway line. Very impressive, yet Dwayne's eyes are also dulled by the cataracts of unfulfilled potential: he reportedly rejected an offer to sign for AC Milan when he was just 14 years old.

SEBASTIAN GIOVINCO, Midfielder
Appearances: 0
Goals: 0
Height: 3'11"
The signing of the "Atomic Ant" is a surprise: the 27-year-old is a full Italian international with many good years left in his tiny, tiny legs (radiation sickness notwithstanding). Unlike other hyped TFC recruits, he'll definitely be a huge success at BMO Field...

LUKE MOORE, Forward
Appearances: 27
Goals: 6
Favourite Member of One Direction: Zayn
Scored a hat-trick for Aston Villa against Toronto FC in a 2007 friendly, so the club probably has a strong case against the Villans for misleading sales tactics.

JOZY ALTIDORE, Forward
Appearances: 0
Goals: 0
First Touch: More like his first ever touch
Unstoppable Jozy scored one goal in 42 appearances for Sunderland, making him one of their most prolific players in the Premier League era. His experience with the Black Cats means he'll be used to playing in red and white -- but unfamiliar with the sights and sounds of a full stadium.

ROB EARNSHAW, Forward
Appearances: 26
Goals: 8
Career Clubs: Unknown
Rob may look like an antagonist from a Tolkein story, but he Bagginsed himself quiet a few goals during his one-season stay at TFC. Many supporters remain fond of old Smeagoal.

DANNY DICHIO, Forward
Appearances: 59
Goals: 14
Languages Spoken: English?
Mr Dichio scored Toronto FC's first ever goal and nobody can do anything about that now. Currently a pundit for Sportsnet, Danny spends his weekends battling the English Language on live TV. He generally comes off second-best.

JERMAINE DEFOE, Forward
Appearances: 19
Goals: 11
Games Missed Through Injury: 17
Cash-loving mercenary Jermaine Defoe has a half-decent scoring record despite having dollar signs for eyes, which many consider to be a legitimate disability. He spent his last few TFC appearances smashing gilt-edged chances over the bar and generally torpedoing the club's faint playoff hopes: the kind of form that will earn you a big-money move to Sunderland sooner or later.

"...What if a hat wore you?"

LAURENT ROBERT, Free Role
Appearances: 17
Goals: 1
Fucks Given: 0
If you thought Robert was mercurial-yet-lazy at Newcastle United, you didn't see him at BMO Field, where his laissez faire approach made Dimitar Berbatov look like a box-to-box dynamo. Laurent was decidely uncomfortable with high-level concepts like "defending" and "tracking back", preferring to stroll leisurely towards the halfway line and admire the curved lines of Toronto's lakeside skyline.

The Movies That Ruined Our Future

The inevitable has happened: the year 2015 has rolled around, and 30-somethings everywhere are struggling to mask their disappointment. Not because of our expanding waistlines or the miserable grey skies of January, but because we were promised so much more than we've yet received. Where are our hoverboards? Who do we talk to about becoming miners on Mars? When will we be able to spend a weekend at a hazardous theme park featuring real dinosaurs? It's only fair to blame the Hollywood blockbusters of our adolescence for nurturing our hopelessly unrealistic expectations. Especially these five.

Back to the Future Part II: Actually set in 2015, making it the prime suspect for our broken hearts. It postulated Google Glass-style augmented reality goggles, though it erred by depicting poor loser Marty McFly Jr. with a pair: only rich losers can afford Google Glass. Drones and video calls make an appearance, but the movie's ubiquitous hoverboards and flying cars remain a pipe dream after 26 years and counting. Thanks for nothing, Spielberg.

Starship Troopers: Correctly predicted that Casper Van Dien would squander a promising career. Sadly, the human race is yet to know the excitement of a devastating intergalactic war against hyper-intelligent extra-terrestrials.

The Running Man: Set between 2017 and 2019, time is running out to replace the likes of X-Factor and Big Brother with an altogether more entertaining alternative where notorious criminals are hunted down by colourful celebrities. Dog The Bounty Hunter is a good start, but his plastic handcuffs hardly compare to flamethrowers, fireworks and sharpened hockey sticks.

The Net: Anticipated the invasive nature of the internet -- and, crucially, the ability to order pizza online -- but also intimated that we would be able to hack into government mainframes by simply mashing keyboards with our sweaty palms. I've tried this and it hardly ever works.

Demolition Man: This 1993 movie predicted cryogenic sleep technology by 1996, so we can all enjoy a hearty laugh at that particular foible... as we retire to our beds to get eight hours older. On the other hand, Demolition Man's depiction of Wesley Snipes as a hardened criminal -- and allusion to Arnold Schwarzenegger as a successful politician -- is eerily portentous.