Toronto Election: A City Decides

The 2014 Toronto Mayoral Election will take place in just a few weeks. It's not an event that would normally garner attention on a global scale, but incumbent Rob Ford is now a household name (or a recent mainstay of talk show monologues, at least) so the October 27 vote may be the most publicized, scrutinized election in the city's history. I'm ineligible to vote, so you can count on my impartiality as I evaluate about the strengths and weaknesses of the top three candidates.

JOHN TORY
The name says it all. The frontrunner is Tory by name, Tory by nature; the electorate likely to be won over by his opposition to the radical liberalism of the Whig faction. Ontario's farmers, especially, are behind a candidate whose forebears supported protectionist agrarianism under the Corn Laws (1815-1846). Fast-forward to the 21st Century and it becomes clear that Tory himself is not entirely conservative: he hosts a Bon Jovi Barbecue every other month, inviting his neighbours over to sit around in stone-washed denim, sip light beer and discuss the highs and lows of Jon Bon's career. Guests sometimes stay as late as 10pm.

"A little more lemonade in my shandy, barkeep!"

Strengths:
- Wears his political convictions on his sleeve. And as his surname.
- A former protege of Ted Rogers; knows all about locking Torontonians into iron-clad four-year contracts.
- Unrivalled experience having already lost a mayoral election in 2003.

Weaknesses:
- Proposed tax breaks for manufacturers of powdered wigs may prove divisive.
- Lacks a blooper reel of hilarious screw-ups. 
- Likely to face fierce opposition from Councillor John Liberal, MPP John Democrat and Police Chief John Pragmatist.

OLIVIA CHOW
Arguably best-known as the widow of popular Opposition Leader Jack Layton, Olivia Chow has extensive experience in federal and municipal government. Transit, children and jobs are the three prongs of her campaign, prompting many to speculate that Toronto will soon employ its first infant bus driver. Chow's hopes were dealt a blow when Lucky Moose Food Market owner David Chen said he would endorse John Tory, even though it was Chow who'd instigated reform after Chen was arrested for attempting to make a citizen’s arrest on a serial shoplifter. So much for gratitude.

Little-known fact: Chow is also a successful gangster rapper.

Strengths:
- Can evade tricky questions in three languages.
- Often the only candidate to turn up to debates, proving to losers everywhere that it's the taking part that counts.
- Trademark garish bicycle may appeal to hipster vote.

Weaknesses:
- Worked in politics since 1991; likely to have only two-fifths of a soul remaining.
- Sole remaining left-wing candidate in a city of centrists.
- Doesn't host semi-monthly Bon Jovi appreciation event.

DOUG FORD
After being diagnosed with cancer, Toronto mayor Rob Ford decided against running for re-election and instead announced that his older brother Doug, already a city councillor, would take his place in the race for the hot seat. Douglas Bruce Ford Jr, as the ballot paper would put it, has a nasty streak a mile wide. I assume. Though little bro Rob's numerous gaffes have often been attributed to sheer dumbassery (thanks in no small part to his resemblance to Chris Farley), Doug emits an aura that suggests he's altogether more scheming, more conniving and more dangerous than his more famous sibling. The Toronto Star recollects his controversies: advocated closing libraries to save money, which led to a "bizarre" feud with author Margaret Atwood; claimed that a group home in his ward for developmentally disabled youth was "ruining" the neigbourhood; called a city hall journalist a "jihadist".

Doug Ford (L) and Bobby Heenan (R)

 Strengths:
- Looks a bit like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
- Born white and wealthy, he knows all about the "gravy train" he intends to abolish.
- Already has a catchy media nickname: "DoFo".

Weaknesses:
- Seemingly unwilling to attend mayoral debates.
- Haircut is very 2012.
- Is a Ford.

Car Buying: Pro Tips

Want to buy a car but don't know where to start? Don't know the difference between torque and horsepower? Worried that a stranger will start talking to you about carburetors? Don't worry: I was the same, but it didn't prevent me from acquiring an automobile from a car dealership. "How did you do it?" I hear nobody ask. Well, I'll tell you. Here are my pro tips for the inexperienced car purchaser.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroooooom! *screeching noises*

Don't Shop Around
Have faith that your first visit to a dealership will also be your last. This has twice been the case for me. That's an enviable 100% record. 

Use The Buddy System
Don't visit a dealership alone. The salesmen will find it that much easier to pinpoint your weaknesses (don't kid yourself -- you have many) and exploit them with ruthless efficiency.

Exaggerate Your Interest
You may have heard it said that you should play it cool and downplay your enthusiasm; make them work for your custom. Well, that's a load of nonsense. As soon as you're approached -- which should be within the first 20-30 seconds of your arrival -- adopt a wide, naive-looking grin and ask to be shown to a desk so you can sign papers without delay. This is guaranteed to throw the salesman off his game.

"Buying a car is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman..."

Play Good Cop/Bad Cop
When your dealer returns from his first I-like-you-so-I'll-see-what-I-can-do-for-you trip to the manager's office, thrust out your hand and attempt to accept terms without asking any questions. At this point, your buddy should sit sullenly and an awkward five-minute silence should ensue.

Get Tactile
Without warning, get up from your seat and wander round the showroom. Touch the cars. Rub them. Sit in the driver's seat and let out a long sigh of satisfaction. Slide underneath a car on your back and stay there for several minutes. Kick tires. Really punt them, like it's the field goal that wins the Super Bowl.

Mind Games
Smile broadly when you return to your chair. Wink at your buddy. Turn your attention to the dealer and offer a high-five. Remove your hand at the last second, exclaiming: "I DO NOT LIKE ANY OF THESE CARS." This kind of advanced psychological warfare may or may not lead to improved terms.

Refreshments
Refuse all offers of tea, coffee and water for the first hour, then suddenly demand all three. In one cup. But not a paper cup. And a sandwich would be nice, too.

Sealing The Deal
As soon as you're ready to sign the paperwork, look at your watch. You will not put pen to paper for at least another two hours. During that time, you can:

1. Go outside to make a protracted call to your "agent" (you can just hold your phone to your ear and move your lips; they'll be none-the-wiser)
2. Run your finger down the list of optional extras, pausing over each one to ask, "Can I have this for free?" and "Why not?"
3. Steer the conversation towards money and how you don't have any

And Don't Forget The Fail-Safe
Remember to misspell your signature so you can change your mind later and claim identity fraud.