New York is 340 miles from Toronto, roughly the same as the distance between the sunlight uplands of regional capital Newcastle-upon-Tyne and that cesspit of corruption, London-on-Thames. In practical terms, that means a destination that was previously a distant pipe-dream is now a mere hour's flight away, and not just any old flight: we'll be snubbing Toronto Pearson - the world's most expensive airport for passengers - and instead flying out of Porter on what is essentially an obsolete two-man biplane.
Porter is special. It sits on an island opposite Toronto's downtown core, allowing suits and celebrities the opportunity to take off and land just 100 metres from the city centre (and enjoy what is apparently the world's shortest ferry service). Clart around at the top of the CN Tower and you'll have the rare opportunity to observe the comings and goings of an airport from far, far above. It's a lot like a real life game of Sim City 2000.
We'll be in New York for three days, which ought to be sufficient time to take in all of our most desired attractions: the Museum of Natural History, the Guggenheim, the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Central Park... er... the Upper East Side? Is that a place?
We'll drink in all the essentials of NY - from questionable street meat to the chaos of Times Square - and ride the open-top tour bus like truly nerdtacular outsiders. It's tricky, though, to help but frame our trip in terms of the many excellent movies set in New York. In my mind's eye, our adventure has already played out in spectacular fashion:
- Brewster's Millions: a benevolent relative challenges Tony and I to spend a fortune in order to inherit even greater wealth, with the kicker that we can't have anything to show for our expenditure. I ensure an utter waste of $10m by investing in Sunderland football club; Tony invites the entire hotel to afternoon tea at Macy's.
- Gremlins 2: we eat after midnight... with hilarious consequences!
- Ghostbusters: finding neither the Gatekeeper nor the Key Master, we hightail it back to Canada before Zool gets proper mardy - but not before we've attended the rad party at Louis Tully's apartment.
- Home Alone 2: we spend a few days evading vicious hoodlums and sleeping in a condemned, dilapidated residence (to be fair, this could actually happen).
- Short Circuit 2: we befriend a sentient robot and find out that tackling crime in the big city... is not as easy... as it looks (Short Circuit 2 was actually shot in downtown Toronto, as are a lot of movies set in New York. True fact).
- Jumpin' Jack Flash: Tony and I stay in separate hotels and communicate using only a primitive messaging program.
We're yet to iron out the details, but the wheels are in motion, and any tips as to things to do/places to go are most welcome. You can even live vicariously through me and have the 'I ♥ NY' t-shirt to prove it: simply send me a postal order to the amount of $100 (I think that's how much they are) and you'll soon be the envy of Wallsend. Combine with a brash attitude and a half-eaten hotdog to complete the look.
