Spending the rest of that day doing literally nothing (NB: not literally), on Saturday I was chomping at the bit for a bit of action, so we spent the day shopping. And again on Sunday. Item(s) acquired over the course of two days: shaving gel. Items sought but ultimately unobtainable: too many to list here.
But it wasn't for a lack of trying. In Loblaws (not quite as posh as Sainsbury's, slightly posher than Morrisons) I gamely tried to deposit strange, new and exciting items into the "shopping cart" (shopping trolley). "How about this?" I would silently mouth to Heather at the other end of the aisle, holding up a vacuum pack of rainbow trout jelly bites (or similar). In return she would simply shake her head, making a mental note not to trust me with "cart" (trolley) duties in future. Not to be discouraged, I headed to the cereal aisle. There I was confronted with more than 50 metres (estimated) of unbroken breakfast magic; far too many varieties, as it turned out, to peruse sensibly. "Most important choice of the day!" some passing lady commented, causing me to mumble a response and head to the magazine racks instead.
But this isn't just a funnier, more tender and more explosive Bridget Jones' Diary for Generation Z; more than merely recall day-to-day activites in a roughly chronological order, I can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL, for example, that Canadian bank accounts are NOT FREE (re-read that statement if it didn't sink in first time around). So I am now the proud-ish owner of a TD Canada Trust account that'll set me back a mind-boggling $10.95 each and every month (disclaimer: unless my balance exceeds a certain amount... which it does).
But the the title of this post is 'Getting Into The Swing Of Things' - not 'David Bitches About Trivial Stuff' - so let me be the first to wish you a heartfelt, hearty and generic HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (It's Halloween). Though I pitched the idea of a traditional Wallsend Halloween night - lights off, curtains closed, TV on low - here we have instead opted for the local custom of buying, carving and displaying a pumpkin, which brings me nicely to the Great Pumpkin Controversy of 2010...
"David, could you please carve a 'Jack O'Lantern' (pumpkin) for the Halloween festivities at the National Trust's newest property, Seaton Delaval Hall?" Heather asked me one day. "Of course," I replied, seeing that she worked at the National Trust's newest property, Seaton Delaval Hall, and had face to lose should she (a) fail to turn up with a pumpkin or, worse, (b) turn up with a poorly conceived, poorly executed piece of crap. So I carve a pumpkin (for the very first time, might I add) and it ends up being entered into the pumpkin competition that night.
Wouldn't you just know it: relative unknown David only went and won the contest, as voted for - democratically - by the region's most accomplished Halloweeners. What a coup! But the blue riband (first prize, not the chocolate; though the first prize was chocolate, ironically) went to some young lass from Holywell whose entry was suspiciously well carved (help from daddy, perhaps?) and wasn't even a pumpkin - it was a frigging turnip. So why was my glory snatched away? Well, because of my relationship with a member of NT's SDH (National Trust's Seaton Delaval Hall), there was deemed to be a conflict of interest, and all voting beans placed next to my intricately-sculpted masterwork were disregarded. I felt like Al Gore - a clear winner, but robbed by the system I helped create - and no amount of media exposure could numb the pain... Not even a lingering shot on the closing titles of Inside Out North East and Cumbria:
 |
| The pride of the region/The region's hidden shame |
Not one to hold a grudge, I have again mangled a winter squash for the delight of local pagans, ne'er-do-wells and young offenders. Scarred by last year's events, however, it was a slap-dash, last minute job - taking only two or three hours of planning and a further five carving - and I seem to have inadvertently taken some subconscious inspiration from one of my all-time favourite doctored photos of hairline-defying, granny-romancing legend, Wayne "Wazza" Rooney:
 |
| L-R: Good, Bad, Ugly |
HAPPY HALLOROON, EVERYBODY! Wazza great holiday; hope it doesn't Wayne.
